Parenting without Fear part 3

Parenting Without Fear Part 3 John 11-12 (Bethany)

Review of Week 1: Man born blind John 9

We unpacked the fear-based system of the Pharisees and how the parents bought into it. The young man born blind listened to Jesus voice, washed and was healed. Jesus sought him out after he was banished. As we become blind to fear’s grip and its system Jesus walks right up to us and listens to us. We can turn our daily “what if” thoughts to “what is” in Christ. To name those thoughts in community and replace them is the first step. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Discern and name the fear and be a rebel to its system. Use your holy imagination to no worry but enter the reality of life in Christ (Read Vanhoozer quote from week 1).

Review of Week 2: Good Shepherd John 10

We compared the difference between the wolf that howls and scatters and the shepherds whose sheep know his voice. Jesus is everything our mind needs. He is not a hired hand who jets at the first sign of fear. He is not pacing, stressed or tapping his foot. We need not carry thoughts of a false shepherd, like the Pharisees, who are scared and use fear to control. Our brain is use to the false narratives of God and we must create new ways for us to think accurately about Jesus. The anxious brain can actually be rewired as we meditate on the Scriptures. When we fire new neurons, we re-wire the circuits in our brain. We looked at three books that tie in neuroscience and discipleship offering us hope and direction to keep setting our mind on things above. At the end of our passage Jesus returned to the place where John the baptist was baptizing. We recalled that it was there that Jesus listened to his Father’s voice who said, “this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.” Jesus activated the good highways in his human brain by (most likely) remembering that moment (Mt. 3). We too can recall our belovedness in Christ and let that affirmation be on our face as we relate and parent. We can relabel foreign thoughts and reframe according to our in Christ narrative.

Pause and ask this question: Have you seen fear present itself in your everyday parenting life? Approached handling it differently? (tell story of the fearful out of the car thought)

Week 3: Bethany is a place we can visit John 11-12

Fear can just break us down. It can prompt struggle and be one more thing that makes life hard. CS Lewis said “it is not the load that breaks us down but how we carry it.” How might the way we carry heavier thoughts differently and move into deeper connection with the Burden Lifter, the Holy Spirit? I’m triggered by fear and sometimes just hard day or even our fears can happen. How can we care for our kids without carrying massive amount of fear? How we carry life matters.

  • I have seen hurt by the comment or even the thought: “you have to let go of that… take up your cross…” and even though that may be true, often the timing is not good and the comment is mis-understood.

  • We don’t just let go but hold the issue before Jesus Himself. The opposite of a holding on isn’t just letting go but participating with Jesus who carries our burdens.

  We are not talking about letting go of our kids but actually holding them in a different way. Fear teaches us to grip tightly and control - not life giving to them.  Jesus offers a way of holding life lightly and even empty handedly. We must have a cross-shaped thought life!  Our physical hands offer us a great analogy. The difference between holding and gripping. Last week, Ashley mentioned how the VanPatters (Watts) taught us all how to hold their son before God. Augustine said, “Jesus has much to give us but so often our hands are already full.”  Our hands are primarily for receiving and then giving, touching, working and blessing. We become the hands of Christ to our family and to the world.

All throughout Scripture - fear not, for I am with you. Fear will always be around but we don’t have to attend to it, focus on it but trust in the midst of it. Again, the opposite of holding on to something tightly isn’t letting go but joining & being with him.  Attend to his presence. White knuckled fear isn’t the spiritual life Jesus wants for us. But actually the struggle can be opportunistic for our friendship with Jesus. When Jesus came into the city for his triumphal entry it is written:  John 12:14 Jesus, finding a young donkey, sat on it; as it is written, 15 “Fear not, daughter of Zion; behold, your King is coming, seated on a donkey’s colt.” 16 These things His disciples did not understand at the first; but when Jesus was glorified, then they remembered that these things were written of Him, and that they had done these things to Him. Fear not because I Am here!

Bethlehem and Bethany

Bethany is a place I often go to in my scripture readings and my biblical imagination. When I am rattled by fear or just flat our broken and weak, often I return to the Bethany Trilogy. Going into the holidays there is a cultural pressure to cheer up - it’s Christmas. I’m all for Christmas, joy to the world- yes!  Bethlehem offers for us a metaphor for where our soul can be- excitement, lights, gifts, family time, happiness… Christ is there. Even the very town today will be bright and shining… Christmas Eve - fireworks and a giant Christmas tree lit…Symbolism is there - many carry Bethlehem in our hearts - and its part of our culture - nativities all over town. WONDERFUL!  Sometimes, when we walk through grief or difficulty the lights can be too bright or the sounds unappealing. I believe that is okay. On the other side, Jerusalem, the center of the world, is hustling, a melting pot city. It is marked by the place of Christ’s death. It is the pilgrimage Mecca during Easter and is a focal point to the return of Christ.  Bethany is right in-between Jerusalem and Bethlehem - it is a pass through town not a final destination.  (Bethlehem was the place of birth; Jerusalem was the place of death; Bethany is the in-between. Interestingly enough, it was the closest thing to home for Jesus - friendship there - it is the in-between place.) 1-2 miles from Jerusalem and Bethlehem. Bethany is a bit more modest even to this day, it doesn’t grab the tourist like the temple mount or the birthplace.

Bethany is on a hillside, quieter a little darker, more shadows. It is the setting for three Gospel stories:

- woman breaks the alabaster jar and anoints Jesus  Mark 14:3–9,

- Jesus encounters Mary and Martha- kitchen (likely) Luke 10:38–42 

- encounter with Lazarus and his resurrection/ the pharisees  John 11:1–46 

Bethany contained some of Jesus’ closest friends.  Yet… Bethany literally means “place of misery” Interesting because each of the stories I mentioned involved LOSS or relinquished.  They involved holding something open handed or emptied in the presence of Jesus Himself. Something was relinquished and Christ was received. 

1-loss of value with perfume bottle -Mark 14:3 And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper,[a] as he was reclining at table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head.

2-loss of tasks with Martha’s trouble -Luke 10:40 “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary

3-loss of life with their dear friend Lazarus -John 11:34 “Where have you laid him?” They said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” 35Jesus wept. 36So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him!”

If you read closely these stories, Jesus is very attentive to their losses. He sees them, he is not distracted or pre-occupied (juggling five things in his head) but truly sees all that is happening with these people. 

He saw the woman’s reaction to the attacks; He saw Martha truly anxious with all that is to be done; He saw and wept with his dear friends over Lazarus’ passing. John 11:33 “When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled.” Each story (placed in Bethany) describes a LOSS Yet followed with an encounter (revelation) of Christ and his way of RENEWAL. IN THE MIDST OF DIFFICULTY AND FEAR FATIGUE WE CAN ATTEND TO HIS PRESENCE!

Describe the encounters: 1-Jesus included her in the grand gospel story: Mark 14:9 And truly, I say to you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in memory of her

2- Jesus invited Martha to sit down and experience the one thing that would never be taken from her: Luke 10:42 but one thing is necessary.[e] Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

3- Jesus made a startling claim that he wasn’t just able to resurrect Lazarus but was the Resurrection and life of God: John 11:24 Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” 25Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, 26and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” In these encounters, Jesus moves everyone from unhelpful thoughts toward hopeful thoughts. (There was resistance to renewal) Jesus addresses misdirected grieve, he rescued them from reaction, he pulled the woman with the glass away from criticism.. (between) he pulled Martha from overtasking her soul… (one thing not be taken from you) he pulled Jesus’s friends “from the if only (What If…) statements”… (I Am) I can’t help but to ask myself, what might he be drawing me from? The presence of Christ in Bethany changes everything… moving us gradually toward renewal or a hopeful vision. 

Jesus seeks out people who have chosen to relinquish something creating space for him. Jesus searched him out. When we are open to fear we close to Jesus but when we are closed to fear we become open to Jesus - this takes time and good use of your imagination. In my parenting life these three stories have meant much to me. Here are a couple examples:

- Self Criticism (hating myself through parenting mistakes). When the woman lavished Jesus with expensive nard, the disciples (especially Judas) verbally attacked the woman. The image there was a war horse snorting. Yet, Jesus stepped in between them and said, “leave her alone.” Often I am overwhelmed by over-critical thoughts and in my prayerful mind, I see Jesus stepping in and stopping their destruction. 

-  I get caught up with franticly doing things around the home. Fear fuels frantic. The Mary and Martha narrative has helped me relinquish the things that need to be done. The wording Jesus uses to describe Martha’s concern for “many things” is the image of being scattered or an anxious, pulled apart heart. Just like a wolf that scatters sheep, an anxious heart is divided into many parts. Taking 5, 10, 15 minutes to sit at the feet of Christ has been a life-saving discipline to re-center on his presence. 

-  I do not have to succumb to old pattens of behavior. Be who I am in Christ, act like who I am in Christ. When I want to lash out often the image comes to mind of Lazarus coming out from the tomb with his grave clothes. Larry Crabb once said to me, “John, you are alive in Christ, now shake off your grave clothes.” In other words, act like who I most deeply am in Christ. I can firmly love my kids without lashing out. 

THE WHOLE POINT OF LIVING IN BETHANY IS HOLDING OUR LIFE BEFORE HIM AND ALLOWING HIM TO GIVE. IT IS BEING OPEN HANDED…  It is putting our mind in the Bethany trilogy is holding our life before Christ and allowing him to give to us. It is being open handed willing to relinquish and willing to receive. 

PAUSE WITH A COUPLE QUESTIONS: Looking at your hands (your parenting life), how are you holding or relinquishing certain thoughts? How does fear cause your hands to close a bit? What is the difference between desire and demand? His presence changes everything about how we face fear!

I want you to memorize this quote by Walter Lanyon: “Fear can manifest only because of a belief in separation. As long as I am something apart from God, I will experience fear.”  It’s not the load that breaks you down it is how you carry it. We are one with Christ and that changes our grip..  As counselor and friend Valarie Phillips says, “we can care without carrying.”

*Hands all throughout: empty perfume bottle; embrace of Lazarus; busy hands of Martha; triumphal entry - casting; Jesus lifting up his hands blessing us at Ascension. 

(optional) Word study on Casting (word study from a 2016 sermon)

THE ROOT: Casting (1 Peter 5:7) is flinging with emotion - reepto

  • Luke 17:2 millstone around your neck

  • Acts 27:19 throw tackle overboard (sinking)

  • Matt. 27:5 Judas before hanging himself casted the coins in the presence of the Pharisees

  • Mt. 15:30 people casted/threw their sick ones at the feet of Jesus hoping he would heal them

Emotional – passionate – life or death involved.

THE WORD FROM 1 PETER 5:7 Casting has a destination- upon (epi-reepto) – here and Luke 19:35 and John 12– object of casting (colt/God who cares) Bigger story going on - that was my favorite shirt… So far from that. Letting GO with the intention that one is participating with something way beyond our handling.

Casting is connected to humility (circumstantial participle) – casting modifies the main verb “humble yourself” there is a connection with humility and casting our cares.  NIV – appears that casting is a new thought/new sentence… not so. Participle modifies the verb. Therefore (wrecked me) – there is a connection with pride and keeping.  If I handle my fears (which are too big for me) – I will attempt to control life and be an anxious mess. Its up to me! 

Practical Parenting Tips with these things in mind.

1-“In order to cast out anxiety in our children, we must first cast it out in ourselves…. We must commit to managing our anxiety in order to protect our connections.” – Danny Silk and his book Loving our Kids on Purpose

2- Holding the crosses as we move through our fears and unhelpful visual thoughts. Homework - holding your cross spend some time meditating and thinking about one or all of the Bethany narratives. 

3- Last week section on Affirmation (refer to the end of part 2)

4- Asking questions to explore the fears of your children (where their mind goes). Our freedom is for the relational movement we can have in their souls. Learn to ask really good questions without fixing them.

Final Words of the Gospel of Luke 24:50 “And he led them out as far as Bethany, and lifting up his hands he blessed them. 51 While he blessed them, he parted from them and was carried up into heaven. 52 And they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy, 53 and were continually in the temple blessing God.”