Parenting Without Fear Part. 4

My morning reading was John 20:19-20 “On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among (middle) them and said, “Peace be with you!” 20 After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.”

This is us. We come together behind “locked doors” with fear gripped lives. Jesus appears, standing in the “middle" of them (NT Wright translation. They center their attention on Him and we turn our visual mind toward Jesus who says “Peace be with you.” Christ showed them his hands and side and for the rest of their lives they had a visual memory of that and carried that image and even passes that imagery to us. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord. That has been the move for us: from fear to joy. Our kids need that. Even thought fear is everywhere we look and every parenting stage we are in, it doesn’t have to rule us. 

In 2004 my life was about to change with the birth of our twin girls. The day had come and I found myself getting dressed in scrubs and sanitized to be in the OR during the C-section birth of Ava and Stella. I can’t imagine how scary this was for my wife but was glad I could be there. Just before entering the operating room, I had to sit and wait until all other preparations were complete. My thoughts were all over the place. The girls were nearly two months early (33 weeks) and knowing how life was to changed overwhelmed me. Fear took my thoughts to life in the NICU and all the bad things that could happen. My thoughts  were super fast and went to other places like, having the right equipment (strollers for twins) or funding college for two young ladies. I would say my nervousness quickly returned to walking into this room where my beloved wife was going to have surgery.  

All of a sudden, in walks our doctor. I could PARTIALLY see him at the scrub station getting for pre-op sterilization. As he was getting ready, he began to whistle the old hymn Great is your Faithfulness. A sense of peace washed over me. Yes, I felt nervous but new at that moment that there were greater realities at play. My life was in great hands. Even though I could partially see and hear the song, the physician’s presence changed everything for me. His song was a sound tract for us.  One year later we had our girls dedicated at Grace Community Church and the verse was from Zephaniah 3:16-17. 

In that day it will be said to Jerusalem: “Do not fear, O Zion; Do not let your hands fall limp. The Lord your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

Freedom from fear’s grip allows us to be present to our family, to be in the moment. If God sings over us, we need not fear.  Jesus spoke strongly against worry and not looking even into tomorrow (Mt. 6) but to seek his Kingdom right now.  Fear will always be around the corner but doesn’t have to rule us, it is a terrible kingdom to join. Its dominion drains life, its structure breeds fear and control. 

We are in John 12 to finish our study of fear in our context of parenting. It is bookended by these comments in this chapter that are also in John chapter 9 - the fear of the synagogue. Fear can infiltrate our everyday visual mind and impacts how we relate. We can have our own family subculture reflect fear and control. Our children can see it on our face and hear it in our words. Not shouts of joy are song in a house of fear. The sound track is control, pressured and condemning. 

As we have studied, fear can be rooted in idolizing what people think and seeking the approval of man over God (12:42-43).  John 12:41 These things Isaiah said because he saw His glory, and he spoke of Him. 42 Nevertheless many even of the rulers believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they were not confessing Him, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue; 43 for they loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God.

It makes for tricky parenting business to not fall into fear but be wise, faithful parents who constantly respond to God rather than react in fear. We can be healthy parents who know how to act in concern and lead our family with firm love and kind hearts. 

This passage begins to transition us to the upper room discourse (John 13-17). We begin to see Jesus articulating once again his death and the emotional ramifications. The upper room discourse is a treasure to the church because of its teaching of the Holy Spirit, meeting us in the midst of fears and sufferings. In John 14 and 16, Jesus encourages the disciples to not let their hearts be troubled. He does this through offering two perspectives on life (for us parenting) that offer us a key to the way of Christ. First is understanding the upside nature of his Kingdom and second we are invited to understand the implications of Christ’s relationship to the Father. 

UPSIDE KINGDOM PERSPECTIVE

John 12:20 Now there were some Greeks among those who were going up to worship at the feast; 21 these then came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida of Galilee, and began to ask him, saying, “Sir, we wish to see Jesus.” 22 Philip *came and *told Andrew; Andrew and Philip *came and *told Jesus. 23 And Jesus *answered them, saying, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. 26 If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.

Jesus is the King of the upside down Kingdom. The greeks who are very linear and basically exploring if his teaching make sense. It does not. Everything is upside.  The phrase lifted up (on the cross) is the same phrase used when a king is lifted up on his thrown. The Pharisees did not like the Pilate had a sign that said King of the Jews as he was lifted up on the cross. Interesting. 

When he is lifted up on a cross, something that repels people, a fearful and shameful scene actually will draw people to himself. The announcement of good news or gospel was used in the ancient world to tell small villages that the good King is still enthroned, “we won!” In the midst of fear and suffering, glory follows through the “lifting up” of the Son.  The king is going to die, a seed must be buried into darkness and will die and come alive bearing much fruit.  In his absence there will be a presence that is unseen but very real.  Jesus withdrew in verse 36 either to be with his father or be a visual of him leaving. The timing is interesting with his slipping away.  When there is darkness, light will prevail. That is so upside down! The Greeks are dismiss this kind of thinking. The pharisees saw it as defeat. 

I’m fascinated with the upside down kingdom and these phrases have jumped into my mind supporting this kind of death-life kingdom. Let’s slowly read these biblical recaps of this kind of like in God’s kingdom 

-in weakness there is strength  -death there is life -darkness there is light -suffering there is glory -first will be last -greatest will be the least -poor in spirit will be rich -children will be leaders  -wolves will live with the lambs -the leader will be the servant -humble will inherit the earth -lose our life, you will find it

This is good news for the weak, humble parent whose situation isn’t hopeful. This is bad news for the control freak parent who believes the illusion that they are in control.  My friend Fil Anderson met with me and encouraged me that control is an illusion. He said, “you never know, you could leave here and get hit by a beer truck and life is over.” I agreed, thanked him for the time and left. I kid you not, as I snaked through his parking lot and out to the main road a large truck popped it’s clutch and lunged in front of my car. Scared me to death! I looked in my rearview mirror and I couldn’t believe my eyes, it was a Budweiser truck.  Control is an illusion. That is one lesson I won’t ever forget. 

Jesus was in the midst of fear when he wept in the garden. Even though he felt troubled, he had a greater objective to reveal the Father’s intention. The presence of the Holy Spirit resides underneath our emotions and struggles with parenting.  Death is freedom from the grip of the unholy trinity (world, flesh and devil). We are to hold our life lightly like a seed must be buried and die. If you lose your life, you will find Life. This is the Trinitarian life and the secure life. 

Jesus moved straight into fear because of His union with the Father and Spirit. Yes, he was nervous and scared at times but there was a greater reality at work. This is available to us as we lose our lives and find Zoe (God-life) that bears fruit for our family.  Gospel really is announcement of the king (his is in charge, he won). Revelation of Father, Son and Holy Spirit revealed and an invitation is open to believe and be joined to this Kingdom.  The upside down Kingdom says when I am triggered and about to control everything in fear - I can go another direction and display peace. Even if I’ve not had a great day or week in handling fear, the upside down kingdom says, you can start right now. It frees you to restart and be present right now with love, joy peace, gentleness…

We must model overcoming fear and living life in the way we are talking about this evening. Living the crucified life is really living in Christ or in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. At our level of the spirit, we are joined with the Holy Spirit. He is our life, He is our everything. 

A dear friend of mine and co-pastor at the end suffered from a very lethal form of brain cancer. This was in the early 2000s. His daughter was around five years old. David’s cancer prognosis was a 5% chance of survival. His fears of leaving his children were close to becoming a reality. David walked straight into fear with a robust understanding of the upside down Kingdom and living in Christ. He modeled holding his life lightly and was painfully forced to do this. He modeled total surrender, humility and believe that there is something underneath fear.  He survived. The prayers made a difference, sometimes that’s not the case. Ten or so years after that I was serving as youth pastor at Westover Church and I had this young freshman share her story. It was David’s daughter. She shared about her families journey and God’s faithfulness. She said this one phrase that came straight from her dad modeling this kind of spiritual life.   She said, I am learning that “Christ is my life, he is my everything.” Our quote from the beginning: To be in Christ is to live and move and have our being in a new sphere, “transplanted into a new soil and a new climate, and both soil and climate are Christ”

TRINITARIAN PERSPECTIVE (the relationship of Jesus and his Father)

I encourage you to read through the book of John and pay attention to how Jesus talks about his relationship with the Father. It’s everywhere! Jesus said he lives because of the Father.  He said he doesn’t speak unless he hears the Father, doesn’t take the initiative unless he sees the father moving, Jesus knew all of the authority given to him by the Father and got up from the table to wash the disciples feet. Jesus mentioned how the Father loved him, drew  people to Jesus and gave him peace beyond this world and on and on. Jesus showed us how to depend on him by modeling how he depended on the Father.  We are in Christ and therefore have his love, peace, joy and security. The same love that Jesus was loved by the Father with is ours and it can be channeled to our kids.  In John 12, Jesus expresses his troubling heart. There is something really human with being scared. There is a normalcy to human fears but our whole goal here is to allow God to meet us in these places. 

27 “Now My soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, ‘Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. 28 Father, glorify Your name.” Then a voice came out of heaven: “I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again.” 29 So the crowd of people who stood by and heard it were saying that it had thundered; others were saying, “An angel has spoken to Him.” 30 Jesus answered and said, “This voice has not come for My sake, but for your sakes.

Jesus also makes mention of his father and that will be a focus tonight. There is something else going on in Jesus. Even in death and suffering, the Father’s real presence is one with his Son. Jesus attends to the Father’s presence. 

How we are brought into the Trinitarian relating:

Father, Son, Holy Spirit         Father, Son, Holy Spirit and us

All that I have heard from my Father… I have made known to you 15:15

The love with which you have loved me… may be in them and I in them 17:25

That they may have my joy… fulfilled in themselves. John 17:18

Peace I leave with you… my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives 14:27

Because I live… you also will live 14:20

I am in my Father… and you in me and I in you. 14:20

Even as we are one… they have become one 17:11

As you sent me into the world… so I have sent them into the world 17:18

Walter Lanyon quote:  “Fear can manifest only because of a belief in separation. As long as I am something apart from God, I will experience fear.”

From Journal and final challenges:

Fear lowers our focus onto behavioral modification - that is what soothes the fear - controlling outcomes. But what happens is we lose connection. Our focus isn’t the heart. Cell phones for example freak me out and if I overthink with fear, I will constantly correct and condemn over-use. The result is loss of connection. I am learning to lovingly guide but without an expression of fear or anger. I’ve sense God saying to me how this generation’s technology craze isn’t too big for Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  I think the same could be applied for when our kids bring home bad grades. 

Fear keeps us from being present. It lowers our focus to the future or even the past. When we release future worries or outcomes we are able to live in the moment. Practicing gratitude is a helpful practice for me. Thankfulness is more in line with the narrative of a loving and caring God. 

Fear keeps us from understanding and expressing empathy. We navel gaze and look at our own failure or potential failure. Fear keeps our eyes on ourselves and our performance. Freedom from fear leads to great laughter and love, both to receive and give it. 

Being led by love confronts the family ethos of fear and control. The pharisees culture had banishment from the community as its ultimate end. No one wanted that but Jesus blew up that culture with a loving revelations of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

Our joy and okness (sit down on the inside) in Christ is our great gift to them. We are invited to experience this union with Christ in our parenting life. Because of this, I practice praying through these two questions:

Lord, what might I relinquish in your presence today?

Lord, what might I receive from you today?

Our freedom is for the sake of our kids. One final practical challenge is how we might help our children with their fears. Often hidden and like us, they manage their secret fears and it unknowingly impacts how they attempt to control life. 

“In order to cast out anxiety in our children, we must first cast it out in ourselves…. We must commit to managing our anxiety in order to protect our connections.” – Danny Silk

Having a heart connection enables us to listen to the anxieties of our children and their fearful imaginings. Asking thoughtful questions and maintaining good heart connection are the ingredients to entering the fearful landscape of our children’s soul. 

End with a simple illustration (pass on to kids) which communicates JESUS’ secret to divine joy and ours… 

ENVELOPE ILLUSTRATION

John 17:21 that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.

22 The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one; 23 I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.

I wrote on paper and envelopes to illustration who is in who and the secure union with have through the provision of the new covenant. 

1- Spirit of Christ is in us (Holy Spirit) 17:23 

2- We are in Christ 17:21

3- Christ is in the Father 17:21

4- Father is in Christ 17:21

5- Hidden in divine love and joy 17:23

6- Sealed and Sent So that the world may know 17:23

No fear can find us and rule us as our life is hidden with Christ in God (cf. Col. 3:1-4). Shame and fear are everywhere except for this one place! Our kids need us to live rom this place and are drawn to Jesus as we do so. Fear is replaced with great love and even greater joy! 

“Joy is a choice based on the knowledge that we belong to God and have found in God our refuge and our safety and that nothing, not even death, can take God away from us.”  - Henri Nouwen

Amen.